there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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