My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
