if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
