I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
