Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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