I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
