Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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