I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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