Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
