when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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