I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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