halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
