I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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