So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
