There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
