U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
