so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
