How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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