god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
