Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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