I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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