I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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