I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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