Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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