How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
