Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
