If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
