found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This house was built for laser tag.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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