You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
