Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
