Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So much Jack, so little girl.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
