Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
