Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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