Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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