You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He better not be in your backpack
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
