He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
