I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
