Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Of course I have a pirate flag
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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