I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
3pm strippers are depressing
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
