Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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