Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
