I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
