I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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