The best revenge is premature balding
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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