he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
