we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
