guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
