i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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