Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
