So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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