I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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