Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
