my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
bring money and cleavage
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
