Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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