If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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