I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
