it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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