I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
