is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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